I find myself in a tug-of-war with God often, though it always turns out that I’m the only one doing the tugging. He is usually just waiting patiently, shaking his head, waiting for me to hear Him say “I got this.”
Life gets overwhelming at times. I start thinking too far ahead, trying to figure out how we’re going to get out of one mess or the other. For me, it’s usually financial.
It usually starts with an unexpected bill. You know the one…the one that is the reason for your “emergency fund?” You know, that money you set aside and paid for the last emergency with? The one that is depleted, or that has been siphoning slowly, that you haven’t had a chance to build back up yet? Yeah…that one.
2018 was a rough year, financially, for our family. With one “emergency fund” emergency after the other, I’ve never really got my footing back.
So, this weekend, it hit me. Braces, college, medical procedures, house repairs, a surprise HOA assessment fee…of course, some of these things won’t happen for at least a year, but they’re there…looming in the not-so-far-off-future. And when they show up, will we be any better off than we are now? Or what if we’re worse?!
You see how my brain works. Oh, and why isn’t my husband thinking like this?! What’s wrong with him?!
And then I hear a voice that says, “I got this.” It isn’t my voice, and it isn’t my husband’s…it’s God.
It’s an unfortunate cycle for me. Every time I start to get crazy, and that anxiety starts to take root, it’s because I’ve taken the reigns. I think that I can drive this crazy train all by myself. It was my husband’s words that smacked me upside the head this time when I asked him why he wasn’t as freaked out as I was. Very simply, he said, “Because I have faith.”
And he’s right. God has taken care of us so many times, providing when there was no provision available.
You know how some people keep prayer journals? I think I need to keep a “Crazy Journal,” for those times when I tell God that I can do it on my own. My “Crazy Journal” would have all the times that I thought we were at the end of our rope and God brought someone or someway into our lives to provide. Over and over again, this has happened. I just need to remember to let Him take the lead.
“Not my way, Lord, but Yours.”
Now to go start my “Crazy Journal.”